


Phantoms in the Light

by secretroom



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Dubious Consent, M/M, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:34:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24094426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretroom/pseuds/secretroom
Summary: Who is Thomas Eugene Paris?Chakotay goes on a journey through love and hate in search of an answer. A search that leads him to secrets of the past that could change everything.
Relationships: Chakotay/Tom Paris
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	1. A Matter of Trust and Betrayal

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set loosely in season 4 and explores the character of Tom Paris through Chakotay's eyes.  
> When I learned that these two were actually supposed to be together, I couldn't believe that they missed that opportunity. So much of their behavior in the first few seasons finally made sense!  
> Furthermore, this is my attempt to explain some of the seemingly writing inconsistencies of Tom Paris regarding his many talents and his ominous piloting error that caused an accident.
> 
> I will post further warnings at the end of each chapter, if I think it's necessary. Should I forget something, please tell me!
> 
> English isn't my mother tongue and physics aren't my strong-suit, so all mistakes are mine ;)
> 
> Comments and kudos make my day, especially at the moment ;)
> 
> Stay healthy and enjoy!

Spirits this was awkward.

Chakotay had just wanted to eat something after a long day. Now he was sitting in the mess hall and was witness to the revue of Tom Paris. The pilot was sitting alone at a table obviously trying his best to ignore the starring and whispers of the rest of the crew.

He still couldn’t quite believe that they went behind Tom’s back. Truth be told they couldn’t believe it either. B’Elanna had cursed her cowardice not to be up front with Tom. For the past two hours he had listened to her anger and her guilt. He listened, when she told him how much Tom had helped her to accept her Klingon side. How he never gave up on her even when she shut the door in his face. She couldn’t but fall for him, she admitted, but something was always holding them back. There was always some weird distance between them no matter how close they became.

He never speaks about his past, she had yelled in frustration. He will talk about everything and will listen to you but he never talks about the important stuff.

At that point her rage had left her and she had sunk unto the couch next to him.

“Tom has terrible nightmares. Chakotay. Some nights he never gets sleep, but he would never talk about them. I tried, Chakotay and Harry did too. He just evades anything concerning Caldik Prime or Prison. He’ll make some jokes and pretend that nothing was out of the ordinary… and I am not any better. When it counts, I leave him out and handle things like I see it fit. That wasn’t fair either Chakotay.”

Chakotay could understand how that would put a strain on any relationship. Trust was of utmost importance. Yet, B’Elanna had broken that trust and although he could not approve what she and Harry had done, it pained him to see his best friend suffer like this.

“I never wanted to hurt him, Chakotay. He was my friend before he became my lover and all I had to promise him, when we got together was that I would not betray his trust.”

She had laid her head against his shoulder and he could feel her slight tremble.

“It’s different with Harry. There is no barrier between us and no secret except for Tom. It was wrong of us, I know. Harry wanted to tell him right away, when we first kissed, but I was confused at first of what I wanted and then I was just frightened of loosing Tom. Now I lost him anyway.”

There hadn’t really been anything he could have said to ease her pain. So, he had just hold her until she calmed down. A rare show of vulnerability and he was glad that she trusted him enough to confide in him.

Not that he was any better. He too had cheated and that his girlfriend had turned out be a Cardassian spy didn’t made it better.

He could still remember the first time that he met the pilot.

_Once again, he had found himself on some random planet in the Neutral Zone._

_Once again, his ship had taken heavy damage._

_Once again, he lost a friend._

_Once again, he was alone._

_Chakotay felt restless and wandered the dark backstreets of this godforsaken city. It wasn’t his safest option considering the lot that was residing here, but it was quiet and empty. At least he had hoped that._

_Familiar sounds of a fight alarmed him before he could see the group. One man was trying his best to hold his own, while three others were punching and kicking him relentlessly._

_It was an instinct to step in and help the man and as expected the three attackers started soon to run away rather than facing two man._

_The blonde held his side and looked somewhat confused at him. “Thank you, but I didn’t need your help.”_

_“Sure you didn’t, but it was faster this way”, Chakotay answered and stepped closer to the still half crunched man._

_He couldn’t see him properly, but the stance of the man and barely covered pain in his voice spoke volumes. Sighing he helped the man to stand upright, ignoring the protests. He had looked forward to a quiet evening before meeting his new pilot tomorrow. “Come on, I have a room around the corner.”_

_“How coincidental. Doesn’t look suspicious at all”, the blonde said grimacing, when he tried to walk._

_“I’ve got a dermal regenerator at my place and you look like you could use one”, Chakotay countered, although he couldn’t blame the man to be suspicious especially after this run in._

_They managed to reach Chakotay’s room and he helped the blonde to sit on a chair. Turning on the lights, he searched for the regenerator in his bag and risked a look at the stranger. The man was fit and tall, but his clothes were tethered and stained with dirt and blood._

_He quickly set in front of him. “Can you take your shirt off?”_

_“You haven’t even offered me a drink yet”, the blonde replied and Chakotay was struck about the clear blue eyes that were looking at him defensively. It was clear that he didn’t quite trust him, but he did take off his shirt, all be it very slowly._

_Chakotay helped him in the end and raised his eyebrows. They really did a number on him. His body was covered in bruises and cuts. Chakotay got the tricorder as well and scanned for internal bleeding. Luckily his wounds were all superficial. He could count his blessings that nothing was broken._

_As if on cue, the man murmured. “Nothing’s broken.”_

_“This isn’t the first time that happened to you, I gather.”_

_“Nope, not by far”, the stranger replied and smiled ruefully._

_There was something lost about his whole demeanor. He had seen many people in this region who had lost all hope and were full of grieve or hate. This man however was oddly collected for someone that had just been beaten. He seemed more sad and lonely rather than angry or frightened. His deep blue eyes were almost daring him to hurt him as well, as Chakotay was regenerating his wounds._

_Chakotay didn’t know the man, but it was clear that he had nowhere to go and no one waiting for him at a far away home. The man was on the run, be it from someone or memories was hard to tell._

_“You’re not doing that for the first time either”, the man said breaking him out of his thoughts._

_“No, not by far”, he countered and finished with the last bruise._

_Now that the man’s skin wasn’t painted with all the colors of the rainbow, Chakotay had to admit that the man was quite attractive._

_Mark less skin moving along with defined muscles as he breathed in and out. Broad shoulders leading to a narrow waist. The blonde hair completely disheveled and his bright blue eyes made him a sight to behold._

_“Your muscles are tight. I could massage them, if you’d like.” He had no idea where this offer came from._

_Chakotay damned his tongue as the stranger paused for a few seconds before nodding, “Go ahead.”_

_In for a penny, in for a pound._

_Carefully Chakotay started to massage the hard muscles. At first the stranger recoiled now and then, but soon he was leaning into the touch sighing as Chakotay was loosening the knots._

_“You’re good at this”, he mumbled relaxed at last and Chakotay smiled letting his hands wander further down his back._

_The man moaned quietly and bend further into Chakotay, leaning his head against his shoulder. Encouraged Chakotay kissed his neck and the man sighed in relief._

_As he was kissing his neck, the man covered Chakotay’s hands on his chest looking almost transfixed on their intertwined fingers. Enthralled in the taste of the man’s skin under his lips Chakotay didn’t gave his odd behavior much thought. His endeavors on the stranger’s inviting neck however were stopped abruptly, when the man stood up and led him to the next wall, pressing his body against Chakotay’s._

_He could feel the heat radiating from his body and his half hard cock against his own._

_Soft lips closed on Chakotay’s and he met each kiss with fervor. The man was acting like he was drowning clinging on to his clothes, while Chakotay couldn’t decide where to put his hands first._

_Spirits, he had needed this!_

_Graping the man’s firm butt, the man bit him on the neck causing Chakotay to grunt._

_All too late and all too soon they were fumbling to take their clothes off stumbling towards the bed._

_At last they fell unto the bed without ever stopping touching and kissing. They fitted well together and Chakotay encircled the man’s hole in a silent question._

_“No, let me!” The man’s voice was astonishing resolute and Chakotay found himself on his back watching the blonde preparing himself._

_Spirits the man was gorgeous and his eyes spoke from a deep need that let Chakotay pause for a moment._

_Something about this didn’t seem quite right as the man was obviously willing and yet decisive in what he allowed and what not. But before Chakotay could ask, whether the man was really sure, his cock was engulfed in a delicious heat._

_All his doubts were gone as the man rode him to oblivion leaving Chakotay to orgasm harder than he could remember._

_For a long moment neither of them spoke enjoying the afterglow lying side by side. All while the man’s eyes never left him._

_The blonde laid his hand on Chakotay’s thigh and whispered, “Thank you.”_

_“I feel I should be saying that to you”, Chakotay replied smiling and turned on his side to better look at him._

_Despite the circumstances the man looked lost. “I needed that.”_

_“Everyone needs someone at some point”, Chakotay answered as memories of Seska and their first lovemaking flashed in front of his eyes. They had found comfort in each other’s arms after a battle._

_No, don’t think about it yet. Not yet, he thought pathetically._

_But the stranger could see the shift in him and stood up. “I should go.”_

_“You don’t have to”, Chakotay said, although they both knew that was a lie._

_The blonde smiled sadly and left his room._

Chakotay shock his head as he remembered how they had met the next day.

_He cursed his luck to have his one nightstand turn out to be his damn new pilot and not just any pilot. No. It had to be Admiral Paris’s son of all people._

_The worst part of it however was that he couldn’t get Paris out of his mind. With Seska gone on a mission Chakotay couldn’t shake off his loneliness. Every time he found himself in his bed at night with nothing to do his mind began to wander into dangerous territory. Memories and fears he liked to avoid but haunted him, when he closed his eyes._

_Three nights in Chakotay made the second reckless decision in his life and went to Paris’ quarters. The Starflleetbrat had his own small cabin as no one had wanted to pair up with him. So far, the pilot had done his job well enough and helped with the reparations. He hadn’t seen him fly yet, but Ro had assured him that he was the best pilot she had ever met. If not for her, he had turned him down as he didn’t like to work with someone he couldn’t trust._

_“Wasn’t he responsible for the accident that killed his team and lied about it?”, he had pressed Ro, who shock her head, “Yes and I won’t absolve him of his responsibility. But I knew him at the Academy. Whatever happened at Caldik Prime doesn’t match with the Tom I remember and he needs this, Chakotay. He has nowhere else to go and he is very capable. Just give him a chance.”_

_He had relented, although he couldn’t fathom why._

_Neither did he understand why he was suddenly standing in front of Paris’ cabin._

_He had a brave girlfriend, who just now was risking her life for the cause and yet he entered the cabin of this stranger. It wasn’t like him and every instinct told him to turn around and go back to his own cabin. He half expected to see his animal guide appear in order to drag him back._

_What was he doing?_

_The light was out and Paris was obviously sleeping. He felt like a stalker watching his side go up and down. His silent form lying on his side facing the wall._

_As quite as possible Chakotay lay next to the man, who hadn’t been sleeping at all as he turned to face him. There was no accusation in eyes nor did he yell at him to get out. For a few seconds Paris just looked at him like he was trying to solve a puzzle. “I thought you would continue pretending that we never met before.”_

_“Would you prefer it that I told everyone how we met?”_

_He snorted, “No. And I didn’t expect any flowers, but you didn’t need look at me like I was dirt.”_

_Chakotay bit his own lip. He had taken his own frustration out on this man, who in all fairness hadn’t done anything wrong. Chakotay was the instigator and the one who had cheated._

_Ignoring his common sense he sighed. “Your father isn’t precisely popular around here having played an important in negotiation of the treaty.”_

_“Understandable. He isn’t on my hitlist either.”_

_“You don’t have the best reputation yourself”, he ventured and asked himself again, why he was here._

_“Then why did you hire me?”_

_“I needed a pilot and Ro vowed for you.” As it was that easy._

_“Still”, the man sighed and played with Chakotay’s shirt. “It’s hard bringing you and your Captain persona together. You looked at me as though you wished to continue my attackers’ work.”_

_Chakotay wanted to apologies but Paris hold a finger to his lips. “Why are you here again, if you can’t stand me?”_

_Weirdly, there was no accusation in his voice just remorse and Chakotay felt like shit. After all, he had accepted him as his pilot and as a member of his crew he should at least give Paris the opportunity to prove himself instead of blaming things on him he hadn’t done yet or things his father had done._

_The even sadder part however was the question itself._

_Why was he here?_

_“As I said, everyone needs someone at some point.”_

_Paris didn’t seem surprised by his answer. “True.”_

_Without further ado Paris climbed on top of him and took his shirt off. Chakotay followed suit and sat up. As soon as he had removed his own shirt, Paris began to softly map out his chest with his fingers. The closeness and the featherlight touches aroused Chakotay, but it felt too intimate and he closed the distance between them to capture the blonde’s mouth in a feverish kiss that left both of them gasping._

_Paris matched his intensity as they rolled around on the narrow bed never losing contact. It was intense and wrong as his conscious was whispering in the back of his head, but he was lost in the demanding kisses and strong arms._

_As he finally took Paris, they were both panting and groaning. The pilot meeting his every thrust in a delicious rhythm. All while Chakotay was mentally chastising himself for being so weak. Giving in into temptation for a Starfleetbrat and betraying Seska._

_This was the last time he promised himself as they were lying next to each other, spent and silent._

_Yet, it didn’t end there. After that night he found himself in the other man’s arms and that every night until Seska came back._

He had used Tom, he knew that. As hard as it was to admit, but the fight had left him drained and Tom had lifted some of that burden. In his arms he had forgotten even just for a moment of his worries, his struggles to keep his crew alive and the deaths he couldn’t prevent.

Tom Paris was still an obnoxious prick most of the time, but he was also a good friend to the people, who let him in and he turned out to be a good officer. He didn’t deserve the betrayal of his best friends.

Unfortunately, word had already spread and Tom, Harry and B’Elanna were followed by whispers and curious glances. Right at this moment Tom was sitting alone at a table in the mess hall. There was no emotion to be found on the man’s face no matter how often the others dared to search for some kind of clue.

Neelix was only a little less obvious and sat next to Chakotay whispering, “Do you know how he is holding up, Commander? I tried to talk to him, but he avoids all questions. I’m worried Commander.”

Sighing Chakotay pushed his half-finished meal away. “I haven’t talked to him yet, but give him time.”

“Well someone isn’t giving him time”, Neelix swore under his breath and Chakotay looked up to see Harry walking towards his former best friends.

Did the ensign really think this was the best place for such a conversation?

“Tom, we need to talk. You can’t keep avoiding me and B’Elanna forever. Please. We are friends…”, the young man started as Tom stood up.

That was apparently the wrong thing to say.

To his credit, Tom did not yell or broke Harry’s nose, but his voice was cold as ice as he said, “We are no friends and I would like you to stop approaching me, Ensign. There is nothing left to say.”

“Please, Tom!”, Harry pleaded and tried to hold him back as he was walking past him.

Quickly Tom turned around to face him, his eyes showing the first sign of anger and hurt, “You’re forgetting who you’re talking to Ensign and now remove your hands.”

There was absolute silence in the room as everyone waited for the outcome.

Luckily Chakotay wouldn’t need to vile any reports as Harry remembered protocol and removed his arm.

The younger man seemed to crumble as Tom walked out of the mess hall and Chakotay felt sorry for him. Yet, he would have to take responsibility for his action. He had wronged his best friend by lying and deceiving him.

The next weeks briefings will be a walk in the park, Chakotay thought bitterly and said goodnight to Neelix.

He just wanted a shower and then sleep.

Back in his quarters, Chakotay stripped and went right into the shower.

What a day, Chakotay thought and let the warm water run over his body. Finally!

The water was a blessing. Even without the current drama around his best friend, Chakotay had found himself in high demand as everyone seemed to have some issues which needed to be solved by no other than the commander and ship’s counselor. Although he appreciated the trust and liked to help others, most so called ‘issues’ turned out be quarrels suited for children. Roommates, who argued about the smallest things or friends, who couldn’t stand the sight of each other anymore.

Nonsense and nothing a holiday on some planet couldn’t fix.

Luckily, they were heading towards a planet that according to Neelix was said to be welcoming to others and Chakotay prayed that was the case. He could use a few days off himself.

Finishing up he tied the towel around his waist.

To his shame he hoped that Tom didn’t decide to consult him in his position as counselor. There was just too much history between them and Chakotay was hardly in a position to talk about cheating and forgiveness. That be hypocritical.

Tired and worn out Chakotay stepped out of the bathroom just to find no other than Tom Paris lying on his bed.

“Lieutenant, what are you doing here?”

It might have been the most redundant question he had ever asked, considering the man’s lose shirt and well fitted trousers, but Chakotay was baffled by his presence here in his bedroom.

Smirking, Tom replied, “Looking for some company obviously.” He stretched on the bed showing of his marvelous physic. “You took forever in that shower. Did you have a hard day?”

This could not be happening, was pretty much all Chakotay could muster up to think, as Tom stood up, opening his shirt completely.

Stepping closer to him, Tom almost purred, when he started to caress Chakotay’s bare chest, “Maybe I could give you a massage to loosen you up a bit?”

The memories of their last massage made him blush and Tom pressed closer, his breath ghosting along Chakotay’s neck. He shivered and for a moment he leaned in to the other body. It had been too long since he last enjoyed another person’s body and Tom took it as encouragement.

Languidly Tom mouthed at his neck up to his chin, leaving featherlight kisses way up to his tattoo, while his hands were stroking over Chakotay’s chest and shoulders.

Instinctively Chakotay’s hands found Tom’s still so deliciously firm bottom and Tom moaned deep into his hear.

That sound at last woke Chakotay up and he stepped back, shocked about his own behavior. Hadn’t he just admitted to himself that he had used Tom before? It would be horribly wrong to use Tom’s probably confused state of mind just to get laid, especially, as he still harbored some doubts to his principles.

As B’Elanna had just reminded him, Tom wasn’t quite as open going as he liked everyone to believe. There were questions that had always been nagging at him. For instance, how Tom had made such a stupid error in piloting, when he could practically fly a ship through a supernova in his sleep. Giving into this distraction would end badly for both of them. Because even though Tom was obviously wanting this, whatever reassurance or escape he was searching for in Chakotay’s arms, he wouldn’t find it.

Of course, he understood the pilot – oh, how he understood him – but it wasn’t a solution and, in the end, Tom might feel even worse for it. Chakotay certainly would.

It would feel like he had been using him again. Starfleetbrat or not, that wouldn’t be fair, especially after the fresh betrayal of his friends.

Chakotay pushed him gently away, “No. this isn’t right. You are still hurting and this won’t help you.”

“Didn’t I help you?”, Tom countered and put his arms back around his shoulders.

He did have a point, Chakotay thought guilt-ridden once more. “Undoubtedly you made me forget my troubles for a moment. But trust me, you can’t run from them. You will just feel worse afterwards for taking this way out.”

“Let me worry about later”, Tom whispered and kissed him on the mouth this time.

This man just couldn’t make anything easy, could he?

Turning his head away, Chakotay freed himself of Tom’s embrace and walked past him. “I said, no. You should better go now. If you need someone to talk to, you can meet me in my office.”

Tom didn’t share his reason’s. Laughing he put his arms around Chakotay’s waist and kissed his shoulder. “Oh, come on, Chakotay. You can’t tell me that you don’t want it. It must have been forever.”

Did he really think him desperate? Well, Chakotay had never been one for one-nightstands, but Tom couldn’t know that he was Chakotay’s rueful exception – or rather exceptions.

Nevertheless, Chakotay had to stop this and pushed him away again. “You will leave now, Lieutenant!”

Tom looked like he had been slapped. For a moment, Chakotay could see the pain in those blue eyes, before anger replaced the sorrow on Tom’s face.

“So, that’s it? You can sleep around, cheating on your girlfriend with an unsuspecting stranger, whenever the fuck you want. No problems. But if I look for some distractions, you remember your goddamn principles?! Or did you decide that you and your newfound honor couldn’t be besmirched by some lowlife like me?!”

“I’m sorry, Paris”, Chakotay started, but Tom cut him off, “Don’t you dare say your sorry. You made your opinion of me quite clear.”

With that he stormed out of Chakotay’s quarters and he hoped that no one saw the pilot leaving. That would definitely make the situation worse. The last thing anyone needed were rumors about him and Tom.

Spirits, he sighed. He had made quite the mess out of it.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the first time.

_He was angry. No, he was furious. Furious about Seska and himself, and especially about Pairs._

_The blonde pilot had made everything more complicated._

_Seska and he were never what one could call a dream couple. They fought, they argued and made up in each other’s arms, but they wanted the same and helped each other surviving this fight._

_And now?_

_Now this boy came along and made a mess of it._

_Not hat Seska knew of his affair or anyone else. He’d be dead, if that was the case. But if Chakotay hadn’t been so ashamed of himself, he might have avoided a fight with Seska. After her return she was in a bad mood and started shouting at him as soon as he stepped into their shared quarter. With his mind on his secret he had soon found himself shouting at her as well, leaving her throw him out._

_Sometimes Seska was hard to be around. Her stubbornness matched his own and her passion was unparalleled. It was that passion that left him wandering his own ship in the middle of the night cursing Paris for ever being a temptation that lead him away from the woman he loved._

_For that reason, he argued, his subconscious had decided to end it with Paris right now and that was the reason he went inside, to end it._

_Maybe the alcohol had been a wrong idea though. Normally, he didn’t drink and he was feeling the effects on him already. His head felt strangely muddied. That was Paris’ fault too, he argued._

_Stepping inside, he was greeted by Tom’s bare back as he had just come out of the shower and was currently only wearing a towel._

_Mesmerized Chakotay observed how the water was running down the man’s smooth skin._

_Maybe Dalby was right and Paris was a spy trying to infiltrate the Maquis. As an outcast with such fine physical attributes he’d certainly be suited for the task. But that was ridiculous. Ro would have never recommended him, if she had the slightest doubt about his motifs._

_Damn alcohol!_

_Sighing he walked closer just to breath in the unique smell he had become accustomed in the past nights. It was so different than Seska’s. His skin was different as well and Chakotay traced some of the water drops on their way down to the towel._

_Why would you want to end it?, an ugly part of him asked._

_“I was wondering, what you would do.”_

_Paris’ voice startled him and he cursed himself. He knew he couldn’t hold his liquor!_

_“What do you mean?”, he asked innocently._

_Paris turned around looking directly into the eyes. “Now that Seska is back.”_

_“What about her?”_

_Paris snorted in disbelief. “I overheard Ayala this morning. Apparently, she is your girlfriend or doesn’t that matter to you?”_

_Shit, here it comes, Chakotay thought bitterly._

_Paris came closer and hissed, “Or does it only matter now that I know, or did she threw you out, when she learned about us?”_

_“She doesn’t know about us. No one does and I’d prefer it to stay that way”, Chakotay threatened and didn’t want to think about Seksa’s reaction._

_“Then why are you here again?”, Paris demanded to know and damn him, if he knew._

_“She threw me out for something way less important than…”, Chakotay tried to find the right word and gestured between them both, “…this.”_

_“And this is what exactly?” Paris face was almost devoid of emotion except his eyes that glared at him in accusation and distress._

_He was in the right of course, but Chakotay had already exceeded his limit of criticism and growled cruelly, “What did you think this is? Did you think we had something? That I care about you?”_

_“Obviously you don’t and by the way”, Paris said and stepped back. “I new what I was to you and there are a hundred better ways to have said that to me. But one thing I want to make perfectly clear – I’m not a cheater and that you dragged me into this situation makes me angry, because despite everything, I thought better of you.”_

_That hit home._

_Shocked he shook his head mumbling unintelligible, “I’m not… usually like this.”_

_Spirits! He will never drink or cheat again!, he vowed wholeheartedly._

_Paris snorted in disbelieve, “So, you want to blame me for your betrayal?”_

_“No!”, Chakotay almost shouted and in his alcohol muddled brain just wanted to assure the man that he didn’t truly blame him._

_In one of his most stupid moves Chakotay reached out to the angry man before him, “No, I… needed you.”_

_But the man didn’t want to hear it and shoved him away. “But I don’t need you. Now get out, get sober and don’t even think about getting into my bed again, Chief.”_

He had acted like an ass.

It was so unlike him, but then…

That time had shown sides of himself that he never thought to have.

If he was honest to himself, Paris had acted far more honorable than him at the time. Not once had he ever voiced something about their affair to anyone as far as he knew. No matter how hard he had been on him or how much the Maquis had mistreated him on Voyager and he had known about the harassment.

But he had waited to put a stop on it. Nowadays most of the Maquis ignored him and a few were friendly.

No one however had forgotten that Tom had sold them out to Starfleet, not even Chakotay.

He should meditate, he decided. Maybe his animal guide could unwind the chaos that was his head.


	2. Nightmares of Old

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos, they make me smile!
> 
> There are more specific warnings at the end of the chapter. So, if you are easily triggered please check those warnings first!
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy!

At last, fresh air!

Chakotay had been enjoying a long undisturbed walk through the old woods of Beraram. He hadn’t realized how much he had missed earth under his feet. The soft breeze on his skin. The melodic rustling of the leaves. It was liberating after months on a ship.

For all his breaking of traditions and his desire to explore the stars, nothing compared to the beauty and peace of nature.

Thank the spirits that the Beras were indeed as friendly to strangers as promised. They welcomed them on their planet and everyone could benefit of a week of shore leave. A week of leisure among open people, who liked to celebrate with their guests, was a true blessing after the last six weeks of cold silence that has festered between the younger officers. The captain had been close to initiate a group therapy session just to break the heavy silence during the briefings and on the bridge.

It had become apparent that the loss of comradeship between them had also meant a loss of banter. After having to constantly reprimand Tom for his occasional jibes over the last years, he missed them now dearly. Everything was efficient to a fault just as protocol demanded it. He should welcome it, but the Captain wasn’t the only one, who seemed unnerved by it. Even Tuvok had raised an eyebrow after Tom hadn’t made one joke in a week. Neelix was beside himself trying to console each of them, but there was nothing to be done.

Tom refused to socialize with them or even to talk to them. They still worked well together, but Tom had shut them out.

Harry and B’Elanna had only recently started to mix with the crew again openly showing their relationship, although the rumors hadn’t stopped yet. It was clear that they were happy together and Chakotay was glad for them. At the same time, he cursed the fact that they had deceived Tom for months. Chakotay actually believed that Tom would have understood, if they had just been honest with him. Certainly, there would had been a time of adapting and awkwardness, but the betrayal was another matter altogether.

Tom seemed truly shaken and Chakotay had found himself watching the pilot. He reasoned that he was doing his duty as Commander and Counselor. As pilot Tom was expected do always be mentally fit or it could lead to catastrophe. He had even called Tom to his office, offering someone to talk to, despite the awkwardness of their last private encounter.

Tom had just smiled ruefully, “I’m used to deal with issues by myself, Commander. There is no need to worry. Give me a couple of days and I’ll be as cheery as ever.”

That had been a week ago and true to his word, Tom had started to socialize with the rest of the crew. He was joking and smiling again and it almost seemed like nothing had happened.

It confused Chakotay to no end and it concerned him.

Even his animal guide hadn’t been able to bring him peace as of late. The snake had merely hissed, amused about Chakotay’s lament of how Tom Paris was a pain in the ass and how lost he felt in consulting B’Elanna and Harry.

“Humans brood too much about things that do not matter and forget the things that do”, she had declared and kept sleeping on a warm rock in his mental hiding space. 

Chakotay felt trapped between different sides that were all cumulating to a giant fight in his heart.

At least the rest of the crew was enjoying itself as Chakotay could hear the loud laughter and music coming from the beach and the city as he walked out of the woods. It was certainly a sight to behold.

Everywhere smiling faces, dancing, leolaroot-free food, music and games.

Chakotay chuckled as he saw Tuvok trying out one of the Beras lutes, while the Captain was dancing with ambassador Kilet.

His companion Tileo however was talking in hushed tones to Tom Paris. Curious Chakotay got some food and sat across from them. Relishing the taste of fresh fruit and cheerful music, he tapped with his foot to the rhythm and glanced to Tom time and again.

The pilot was having a good time with Tileo, laughing and sharing food. Tileo even fed Tom a few times, leaving Chakotay wary for some reason. Tom in contrast just smiled, obviously relaxed.

Chakotay looked around but couldn’t see Harry and B’Elanna anywhere. They probably had found some quiet place far away from Tom, which eased Chakotay’s mind.

Yet, when Tileo guided Tom to go with him for a walk, Chakotay became nervous. He was very likely starting to become paranoid, but he felt drawn to follow them. At a distance he could see how Tileo was appraising Tom and the pilot as well didn’t seem uninterested in the tall Bera with his green skin and white hair.

Other than their skin tone the Beras really looked a lot like humans and Chakotay had to admit that Tileo wasn’t unpleasant to look at. His muscles and narrow waist, even the blue of his eyes matched almost too perfectly with Tom.

He really didn’t know why he was following them as it was clear that they wanted to be alone and there was nothing wrong with that. Tom knew the rules regarding fraternization with an alien. They were just enjoying their time together, Chakotay reasoned. In other words, he shouldn’t stalk them.

Rolling his eyes about his own stupidity, Chakotay wanted to turn around, as Tileo led Tom under a beautiful pavilion next to the ocean far away from prying eyes – with one notable exception. Hiding behind a tree, Chakotay saw, how Tileo stroked Tom’s cheek kissing him softly.

Chakotay stopped abruptly and watched as Tom kissed the man back, grasping his hair while Tileo’s hands wandered over the pilot’s body. It was just a kiss, Chakotay argued. No reason to reprimand Tom. He had earned some slack.

Naturally, it didn’t end with a kiss.

Soon Tileo was taking Tom’s shirt off as Tom was opening the tunic of the other man. Chakotay felt himself blush and was irritated at the same time.

Tom should know better.

He knew the damn rules by heart!

His mind made up, Chakotay stepped closer coughing pointedly.

The reaction was immediate.

Tileo was jumping backwards hurrying to close his tunic again. Tom on the other hand stood still and didn’t even look in his direction.

“Oh, Commander. I didn’t know you were there”, Tileo scrambled to say.

“There is no need for an explanation, Tileo I assure you.” Chakotay didn’t want to make a scene. “However, Mr Paris forgot to tell you that relationships such as these have to be cleared by our Doctor and the Captain. If you two want…”

“Oh, I didn’t know that. My apologies. I think it’s best for me to go now”, the Bera hurried to say and nodded in their direction. “Commander. Mr Paris. Goodnight.”

Tileo was quickly gone, leaving Tom and Chakotay alone in the pavilion.

“Do you have anything to say, Lieutenant?”, Chakotay asked walking next to Paris, who was still looking at the ocean.

“Lieutenant?”, Chakotay pressed disgruntled by the pilot’s lack of decorum.

At that, Paris whirled around. “Are you serious?”

“In matters of ship laws? Always. These rules exist for a reason as you well know”, Chakotay countered, leaving Paris to role his eyes, “There is no damn reason to follow me.”

“I wasn’t following…”, Chakotay was starting to defend himself, although he had done exactly that, but Tom was having none of it.

“Yes, you were. I just had hoped you had the common sense or the decency to get lost once Tileo had made his first move. Well, once again I expected too much from you, Commander.”

How dare he?, Chakotay thought scandalized and stepped up close. “I was concerned that you would do something reckless and I was right, wasn’t I?”

Tom folded his arms in front of him. “Something reckless? You mean like finding someone, who is interested in me and is up front about it?”

“What are you implying?” Chakotay didn’t like the direction of this conversation at all. He hadn’t been the one, who broke the regulations by getting intimate with the next best alien, after all.

A wicked smirk appeared on Tom’s face, which suited him ill. “The noble warrior. Brave and true, except, when it comes to his own damn desires.”

“You’re being ridiculous”, Chakotay exclaimed enraged.

He couldn’t possibly think that he was interested in him…

“Really? After you watching me on Voyager and following me here?”, Tom pressed and closed the last distance between them.

There was anger in his eyes, but mostly there was sadness. They spoke of a resignation Chakotay had seen many times in the Maquis. Recognizing it now in Tom’s eyes made him roll back.

“In my position as ship counselor it is my duty…”

“Cut the crap, Commander. You should finally decide what you want from me. So, I can tell you to fuck off!”, Tom hissed at him and Chakotay was suddenly at the defense.

“Who was standing in my quarters and made advances?”

At his words Tom laughed shortly shaking his head in frustration. “Naturally, it’s all my fault again, right? At least I’m honest with myself!”

“Are you?”

Chakotay tried to remember that he himself had acted poorly by following Tom in the first place, but something about Tom always made his blood boil either in rage or…

Oh, dear.

He was right, Chakotay contemplated. Even now he was still attracted to him.

How could that be? He had hated his guts for betraying him to Starfleet, not to mention the whole undercover operation, which made him the uninformed clown of the affair.

Tom left him unfortunately no time to process that realization.

“Yes”, Tom declared in an unusual serious tone. “I know that I’ve always been attracted to you and I admired your courage to fight for what you believe in. I always saw you as a man with principles. It’s just so happens that you never saw in me anything but a plaything and a traitor. I’m your one exception, because I’m not worth your respect, aren’t I?”

And wasn’t that the truth?, Chakotay thought in misery as the extent of his misplaced rage and poor treatment of Tom became truly apparent to him for the first time.

Chakotay was a man of principles. He believed that firmly and he expected the same of others as he had expected it from Tom. Yet… Chakotay had never treated Tom fairly.

Not only had Chakotay lied to himself in relation to his attraction to Tom, he had reduced him to the object of his hatred and desires alike.

Tom’s voice was almost mournful as he stepped back a little, looking again at the ocean. “I guess that is my lot in life now. Fun to be around and a welcome helping hand, if you’ve got a problem, but nothing more. Why should I expect anything different from you? Even B’Elanna and Harry didn’t deem me worthy of respect.”

Something in Chakotay broke and he tried to console him, “Tom, I didn’t mean to…”

“No, I don’t want to hear it.” Tom seemed tired all of the sudden like the world was resting on his shoulders and he had no one to share the burden with.

Going through his hair with his elegant fingers Tom sighed, “I guess it is my fault. My decision brought me here. Now I just have to live with it.”

Without giving him a second glance, Tom walked past him leaving Chakotay alone once more.

To say that Chakotay was confused would be an understatement. Sleep had evaded him completely for the next days and he found himself pacing his quarters until he went to the gym.

Some hard work out was probably the best way to get rid of this negative energy. Only that he wasn’t the only one in the gym this night.

There punching and kicking a punching back was Tom.

In elegant moves the man swirled around and send the back flying. It was obvious that he had been here for a while as his shirt was clinging wet to his skin. Nonetheless, Tom was swift and precise in every punch.

His technique was superb, Chakotay had to acknowledge and wondered why he had never noticed this before. Trying to remember the times he had seen him fight, he found himself perplexed. Sure, Tom knew how to hold himself in a fight. His training in the Academy and his later life as mercenary had seen to that, but what he was seeing…

It didn’t match.

Before he could solve this mystery however, Tom became aware of his audience and stopped at once.

“Following me again, Commander? You might want to give reading a try, I heard it is a pleasant hobby and way less creepy.”

“My apologies, Lieutenant”, Chakotay hurried to say. “I didn’t mean to disturb you. I just couldn’t sleep and…”

“I understand. Well, good luck with your workout, Commander”, Tom interjected and was quickly out of the door.

Chakotay swore under his breath and ran after him.

“Tom! Tom wait!”

Thankfully, Tom stopped and turned around.

“Yes, Commander?”

“I’m sorry”, Chakotay said without further ado. “You’re right, I did wrong by you. Back in the Maquis and also here on Voyager. You are good officer, despite your lack of discipline at times.”

Tom remained silent, while Chakotay searched for the right words.

“I shouldn’t have followed you in the first place and you… were right about”, Chakotay breathed in and out, steeling himself for his admission. “I am still attracted to you and I made life harder on you, but I leave you alone now. If you do have a problem and want my help, I will help you and… I would like it very much, if we could start again and leave our dispute behind us.”

“I’ll try, Commander”, Tom simply said, nodded and left Chakotay standing alone in the corridor.

Somehow, he felt disappointed and he rolled his eyes at his own continuing foolishness. What had he excepted? An invitation to make up sex?

Spirits, he was out of line and still as confused as he was before.

Chakotay tried to contemplate his dislike of Tom. There were all his disrespectful jibes, for sure and Tom didn’t stick to protocol on Voyager, but he had saved them multiple times and not just by being an exceptional pilot. Without him they would probably still be living on that forsaken planet on which the Kazon had stranded them.

Chakotay had at the time been too occupied with Seska, but he couldn’t deny the bravery and talents Tom had displayed.

Even on his ship Tom had been trustworthy, when it counted, with the notable exception when Chell had stumbled and knocked himself unconscious. Tom had to carry him to the meeting point and thus they had been too late for the fight. It was pure luck that they had managed without the backup, which was more due to an unfortunate accident by the Cardassians. Chakotay had been furious. Yet, it hadn’t really been Tom’s fault that Chell was clumsy.

The only time Tom really got on his nerve was, when he had managed to get drunk during a short shore leave and had a fight. But was that enough to justify his anger towards the man? It all came down to Tom’s decision to lie about the accident as well as Chakotay’s own misdoings that he blamed on Tom.

That in itself was hard to accept.

Chakotay had always been a proud man and recognizing that he himself had acted wrong was hard enough. It was made even more complicated by his attraction to the man he had wronged.

What a mess, Chakotay thought bitterly and went to back to the gym.

The punching back seemed like a good choice to release some stress.

The conundrum of strange encounters didn’t end there, as Voyager had picked up a distress signal from a Starfleet shuttle about three days later.

The shuttle in question was heavily damaged but it held a shield that didn’t let them scan it probably. All they could say was that there were two life signs.

“Captain Janeway”, an older man with grey disheveled hair and an Admiral uniform answered their call. “This is Admiral Farnon. It is certainly good to see you. When I heard that Voyager was not only in the Delta Quadrant but in near distance, I tried everything to find you. Sadly, I run into some bad company and could use some assistance.”

“Of course, Admiral. I’m looking forward to meeting you”, the Captain replied and cut the connection.

“Do you know the Admiral?”, Chakotay asked the Captain as they all waited in the briefing room, while the Admiral and his companion were treated by the Doctor.

She nodded, “He is a good friend of Admiral Paris. A capable man.”

They all glanced to Tom, who shrugged, “He is capable and quite friendly for an Admiral.”

To their surprise Admiral Farnon wasn’t alone.

Instead he was accompanied by two man from security, who framed an older Cardassian. The man was dressed in the grey overall of Federation-prisoners, which didn’t do much to hide his paunch.

B’Elanna was getting stiff beside him, glaring at the Cardassian. The man however wasn’t paying any attention to them. His sole object of interest was Tom, who went wight as a ghost as the Cardassian entered the room.

The Admiral didn’t seem surprised by the current glaring contest rather he appeared rueful.

“I know that you have question, Mr Paris, but I assure you that I’ll explain his…”

“You can’t be serious”, Tom interjected through gritted teeth.

Curious Chakotay and the others were looking between a furious Tom Paris and a somewhat weary Admiral.

It was obvious that they knew each other as he and Tom’s father were friends. The blatant way of addressing the Admiral however spoke of a closer relationship than just mere acquaintances. In any other case the Admiral would have reprimanded him for his behavior. Yet, he seemed apologetic.

Whoever the Cardassian was, he had history with Tom and the Admiral knew about it and by the looks of things they hadn’t parted as friends.

Said Cardassian was quelling in Tom’s apparent distress.

“Hello Thomas.” The Cardassian said with a giant smile. “I hoped you were still alive. I was saddened, when I heard about Voyager’s disappearance.”

With one quick move, Tom was out of his seat, freeing him from the guards and hammering down the prisoner’s smug face on the table.

“Lieutenant”, the Captain exclaimed displeased, while the Admiral waved the disgruntled security officers off.

“Mr Paris!”

The Cardassian on the other hand laughed into the table, “How I missed this.”

Tom changed his spiel and put him in a choke hole that would suffocate the prisoner, if he didn’t release him soon.

At least that shut him up, Chakotay thought.

He met too many of Cardassia’s sick soldiers and politicians than to assume him an innocent man. The fact that he was a prisoner already told him enough than to feel sorry for the man.

Tom in fact didn’t seem in a hurry to release the gasping Cardassian. “Why isn’t he in a cell?”

“We needed him as an exchange prisoner”, the Admiral sighed and Tom’s eyes widened in disbelief, “Exchange prisoner?”

“I’m still wanted as it seems”, the Cardassian coughed and Tom squeezed just a little harder.

“Mr Paris”, the Captain exclaimed again.

Chakotay knew that she was enraged about the scene that she didn’t control.

The Admiral in contrast didn’t flinch at Tom’s display or his tone.

“You honestly want to let him go? Him!”

“I know. If there was another way, I would have taken it. But as it stands, you don’t know all the facts.”

“The only fact I care about is that you promised to fucking never let him walk free again!”, Tom spit with an unusual fierceness.

Chakotay changed a quick glance with B’Elanna, who was just as intrigued about this as he was. On the other side of the table Harry and Neelix looked almost scandalized, while Tuvok was his stoic self as always.

Admiral Farnon stepped up to Tom, giving him a firm command. “Mr Paris, I order you to let him go.”

For a second Chakotay feared that Tom would disobey, but right before the prisoner was close to suffocate, Tom released him. The Cardassian landed on the floor coughing, but smiling weirdly enough.

“Wait in your quarters. I’ll come soon and explain everything”, the Admiral ordered and Tom stormed off.

The Cardassian in meantime had succeeded in heaving himself on Tom’s now vacant chair.

“He still has fire.”

“I’d be silent if I were you, or I’ll change my mind and withdraw my command to Mr Paris”, the Admiral countered and his face was full of disgust for the man whose life he had just saved.

“Excuse me, Admiral, but would you mind to explain this to us?” The voice of the Captain didn’t leave any room for interpretation of how she felt about this whole debacle.

“My apologies, Captain”, the Admiral sighed and nodded in her direction.

He glanced towards Chakotay and B’Elanna.

“I’m afraid what I’m about to tell you, will enrage some of you and I completely understand as I understand Mr Paris reaction.”

“He must have a pretty good reason as Tom isn’t known to be violent”, B’Elanna muttered and glared at the Cardassian, who had the nerve to smile at her.

Chakotay could see how she tensed up and intervened with a question.

“You said that he is part of some exchange. Could you elaborate on that?”

“Sadly not. Our mission is classified, only few in Starfleet Command know about this, that is why, we were in a shuttle, when a wormhole threw us to this quadrant. Then the wormhole disappeared again”, the Admiral explained and Chakotay could feel his blood starting to boil.

Although he didn’t know how Paris was associated with this Cardassian, his reaction didn’t leave much imagination as to what type of person he was. It must be a dire situation, if Starfleet was negotiating an exchange of prisoners. Whoever was in the hands of the Cardassians must be important.

The Captain didn’t seem pleased either.

“So, you can’t tell us why the exchange was undertaken, but I sure hope you will enlighten us about his identity and why my pilot deemed it necessary to almost strangle him.”

“That is my fault, Captain”, the Cardassian carked. “Tom and his family are good acquaintance of mine.”

“That is enough!”, the Admiral hissed.

The Cardassian seemed amused. “You can’t keep everything a secret, my dear Howard.”

“I do not intend to keep it a secret, even though you should probably hope for it as part of this crew is Maquis as I heard from the Doctor.”

“Who is he?”, the Captain inquired again and the smile of that man broadened, while the Admiral took a deep breath as to steel himself.

Chakotay had a really bad feeling about this.

Admiral Farnon stood with his hands on his back as he looked at him.

“You probably heard about him, Commander. His name is Skrain Kovat.”

Shocked, he starred at him and then at the man massaging his throat.

Chakotay couldn’t believe it.

Quite in contrast to B’Elanna, who stood up in fury.

“You’re the damn butcher of purgatory!”

If it weren’t for Tuvok she would had lunged at him just as Paris had done. Thankfully the Vulcan was able to hold her back.

“Lieutenant, sit down!” The captain ordered and looked with obvious disgust at the monster in their midst. “I think, Admiral, you have some explaining to do.”

“Why, who is he?”, Kim asked nearly as confused as Neelix.

Breathing in and out Chakotay calmed somewhat and said under his breath, “He is a known torturer of the Obsidian Order. He liked to inflict pain on his prisoners in disguise of obtaining information, but they were just material for his experiments.”

I could hear Neelix sharp intake of breath.

“I thought that he died years ago, when his base exploded?”, The Captain wondered and Chakotay nodded absentmindedly as he had heard the same. The Maquis had celebrated his death. Starfleet however had once again lied and were collaborating with the enemy.

No surprise there, Chakotay thought embittered.

The Admiral nodded, “Officially he did. Only due to current events we disclosed about his survival to the Cardassians, which allowed us to instigate this prisoner exchange. Sadly, our effort had been rendered impossible now.”

“How is Tom connected to him?”, B’Elanna wanted to know, asking the question they had all wondered about.

“First things first”, the Admiral said addressing Captain Janeway directly. “Captain Janeway, I know that my presence here will change a lot on this ship, but I’m also aware that this crew had formed itself over the last years and even brought together two former enemies. Be assured that I don’t intend to disrupt this alliance of crews. One thing however has to be done immediately.”

He gestured to Kovat. “Kovat has to be protected. For that reason, it will be necessary to install only Starfleet security to this task as I’m afraid that former Maquis could be tempted to harm him.”

Although it did ruffle him the wrong way that he thought the Maquis too impulsive, Chakotay was honest enough to admit that the Admiral had a point. It was inevitable that Kovat’s identity would be known and many would want revenge on the butcher of purgatory. Chakotay just didn’t understand, why the Admiral was still so keen to protect him.

“We’re in the Delta Quadrant. Why is he still of importance?”

“Because the Cardassian ship was thrown through the wormhole as well and they are quite determined to get me back”, Kovat replied with a honey coated voice that made Chakotay retch.

“What type of ship?”, the Captain inquired alerted.

“Galor-class, manned with elite forces”, the Admiral answered. “Captain Janeway, before we talk any further, please ensure Mr Kovat’s safety in a cell.”

Captain Janeway nodded towards Tuvok, who stood up and went together with Kovat and the two Starfleet officers.

Once they had left the room, Admiral Farnon sighed and finally sat down himself.

“I can only apologies for bringing such a burden on you, Captain.”

“It is hardly your fault to be dragged to the Delta-Quadrant, Admiral. We know the feeling. When were you thrown through the wormhole?”

“About a month ago, since then I played hide and seek with the cruiser, while Kovat was robbing me of my last nerves”, Admiral Farnon huffed.

“Impressive considering the circumstances”, Chakotay ventured and the Admiral nodded, “I’m afraid that the cruiser won’t stop looking for us though.”

“We will be ready, Admiral”, the Captain promised. “Yet, now that we are alone, I would like you tell us how Mr Paris is connected to Kovat.”

“I was afraid you’d ask that, but it is probably for the best that you all knew as Tom will likely act somewhat different and you ought to know the reason.” The Admiral seemed lost in thought for a moment, before he sighed.

“I know Tom since his birth as I am a close friend to his father and I’m sadly one of the few people, who know of Kovat’s connection to the Paris family. These information are classified and they won’t leave this room.”

He looked at each of them and everyone nodded their consent.

“The first Paris finding himself as a prisoner of Kovat was Owen Paris.” The Admiral glanced to the Captain, who nodded in realization. “Yes, Captain. You probably heard about his capture.”

“He was my mentor but he never spoke of it.”

“Kovat interrogated him for three weeks, until Starfleet was able to rescue him. He was never the same again. Tom had only been four at the time while his sisters were already teenagers. It was hard on the whole family, but that was just the start.”

He paused and everyone was listening closely to every word.

“When Tom was eight, he and his mother were traveling to accompany Owen at a gala in a diplomatic fashion. Kovat abducted them and… hurt Sarah. Tom was held in a tiny room, in which he couldn’t sit upright, while he heard his mother scream.”

Spirits, Chakotay thought shocked. No wonder he was claustrophobic.

“Each day, Kovat would talk to Tom, who didn’t say a word in response, until he was brought back to his tiny cell. After twelve days his guards became careless and he slipped out of the reach and managed to crawl through the air pipes.” The Admiral shook his head as he talked. “That boy slipped into a shuttle and managed to escape the planet on which they were held on. Eight years and he made into Starfleet territory.”

“That’s incredible”, Harry said in astonishment and Chakotay could only agree.

Admiral Farnon nodded, “Yes, it was. Unfortunately, Kovat had moved Sarah to a different hide out and it took us another two months until we were able to rescue her. The damage had been done… Sarah was terrified of every person and every sound. Owen took her to a mental home unbeknownst to the public in the hopes that they could help her… they couldn’t. The smallest contact to others was a martyrium for her… she didn’t even recognize her own family anymore.”

“It thought Sarah had died in a shuttle accident”, the Captain said disturbed and Admiral Farnon declined, “No, that was just the official version. Owen didn’t want it to get public. He didn’t want Tom to visit her either. So, he placed her in different institution far away from earth. Tom had been visiting her every week, even though he could only see her through a monitor that showed her room.”

Sighing heavily Admiral Farnon massaged his forehead. “She killed herself, when Tom was fourteen.”

Chakotay glanced to B’Elanna, who was fidgeting with her hands. Harry had lost all color, while Neelix was starring at the table in misery. The captain was leaning back in her chair and Chakotay could see her chin-muscles twitch.

As Admiral Paris’ apprentice it must be especially hard to hear of his family’s doom. Not to mention Admiral Paris’ handling of the situation. Chakotay knew he would be haunted from the image of Tom crouching in a cell hearing his mother scream in pain.

“Kovat captured Tom one more time”, Admiral Farnon said into the silence and all heads turned to him again.

The Admiral looked tired and Chakotay knew it must have been bad.

“It was after his second trial. After Tom admitted his blame in the accident that killed three of his team, he had to leave Federation territory and went to the Neutral Zone.”

“Why did he have to leave?”, Harry asked confused and even the Captain seemed surprised.

“Owen was shattered by the news and – I’m sad to say – shunned Tom completely and cut any kind of recourse to him. He found no job, no room to stay and his papers were put in a loophole of bureaucracy. The Neutral Zone was his only hope and Kovat waited for him there and took him to his base 341.”

“Purgatory”, B’Elanna breathed the name that every Maquis knew.

Many people never left that place and the one’s who were allowed to go hadn’t been the same anymore. Kovat had let them go as symbols for the hopelessness of their fight.

“How long was he there?”, Chakotay asked fearing the answer.

Admiral Farnon whispered. “He was there for seven months.”

A loud gasp echoed in the room and Chakotay didn’t want to believe it.

“How did he get out?”, Neelix asked.

“The ghost”, Chakotay murmured as he did the math of Tom’s arrival to the Maquis and his time of caption.

“You’re correct, Commander”, the Admiral affirmed his suspicion solemnly. “We still don’t know, who the man was, who liberated base 341, but Tom escaped in a shuttle just like other prisoners and shortly after he joined the Maquis.”

“How do you know that Tom was there?”, the Captain asked.

“Because Owen told me from his capture, after the base was destroyed and the ghost handed us Kovat. Owen admitted that he had seen Tom as prisoner, when Kovat had agreed on a prisoner exchange.”

“Then, why wasn’t Tom freed before?”, Harry exclaimed.

“Because he wasn’t part of the exchange and the base was too deep in Cardassian territory to attack it. I’m sure that Kovat had only agreed to the exchange so that Owen could witness what he had done to Tom.”

“And you want to protect that bastard?!”, B’Elanna yelled and stood up.

Quickly, Chakotay hold her back even though he had a sudden urge to throttle that man himself and then he would think of an appropriate end for the butcher of purgatory.

“He is our only way of negotiating with the cruiser and he is my prisoner. I’m responsible for him and Starfleet at least doesn’t kill his prisoners”, the Admiral countered.

Aside from the obvious dig against the Maquis, Chakotay knew that Kovat could be used as bargaining chip.

“I will check on Kovat and then I’ll talk to Tom. I assume that you would like to talk to hi as well?”, the Admiral ventured and the Captain nodded. “If you could send him to my office, Admiral.”

After man left, Chakotay and the Captain remained in the briefing room.

“You didn’t know any of this, did you?”

“No. I knew of Admiral Paris’ caption, but nothing else.” She sighed and put her elbows on the table to rest her head on her hands. “It seems impossible, doesn’t it? I worked with Owen and now with Tom for several years and not once did either of them confide in me.”

“Do you believe Admiral Farnon?”

“Of course”, she assured him. “I am just shocked that I didn’t know something so essential about Tom’s life. It makes you wonder what we really know about each other.”

She looked at Chakotay, “Anything you want to tell me?”

He smiled reassuringly at her, knowing how she felt.

The briefing with Tom was awkward to say the least.

He answered every question with precision, but it was obvious that he didn’t want to talk about it. Chakotay couldn’t really blame him.

“A man freed me. When I asked him, who he was, he said that he was no one and that the complex would soon explode. Then he was gone and so I went to the shuttles. Other shuttles were already leaving. The other prisoner as I later learned. I just flew away. It was a good feeling seeing that damned building blow up.”

There was hardly any emotion in Tom’s voice or face and Chakotay found this disturbing. He wondered whether Tom had ever spoken about it before.

“Where did you go then?”

“Neutral Zone”, he replied and sighed. “I still had nowhere to go and I was even more determined to never see my father again.”

“Why did you never mention any of this in the Maquis or even on Voyager?”, Chakotay asked the one question that was driving him mad.

Tom kept looking straight ahead to the Captain, as if she had asked the question. “Why should I?”

“The Maquis would had understood your motifs of joining us. It would have made…”, Chakotay started, but Tom interjected.

“My life easier? Would it have made me more acceptable to the Maquis so that they wouldn’t harass me?” His eyes searched his as looked at me for the first time in this conversation. “I didn’t join the Maquis because I was looking for sympathy or pity.”

Tom was tense as he addressed the Captain once more. “Was that all?”

“That was all, Lieutenant”, the Captain said. “And thank you, Tom. For sharing this information with us. I know it can’t have been easy.”

Tom went to leave but halted at the door turning around. “If I may give you an advice, Captain. Even in a cell this man dangerous. Don’t loosen you grip for a second.”

“I will keep that in mind.”

“I will have to discuss the further structure of command with Admiral Farnon.” The Captain sighed and Chakotay nodded.

It felt wrong for the Captain to be replaced, but the Admiral was the higher ranking officer and as such the leading officer. Chakotay didn’t want to imagine where that would leave him, as he certainly wouldn’t play the third fiddle.

Yet, the was something more pressing on his mind than his new status.

“If I may be excused, Captain?”

She nodded absentmindedly, her thoughts probably circling around the new information.

Chakotay had another question he had to ask in private and so he went to Tom’s quarter, but to his surprise he wasn’t there.

He cursed at himself, when he realized where he most likely was.

“Computer, where is Tom Paris?”

“Lieutenant Paris is in the arrest cell.”

Of course, Chakotay nodded in understanding and made his way there.

Where else would he be? If he found himself on the same ship as the man, who was responsible for the slaughter of his people, he might not had have the restraint to let him live in the first place.

Entering the arrest cell, Chakotay was greeted by s surreal scene.

Tom was standing in front of the cell face to face with Kovat.

There was no yelling, nor threats or attempted attacks.

There was just silence as loud as any scream.

Tuvok walked towards him, “Commander.”

“How long have they been starring at each other?”, he asked uncomfortable to raise his voice in this silence.

“For a couple of minutes. They haven’t spoken a word yet, Commander.”

Breathing in and out, Chakotay stepped towards Tom, “Lieutenant.”

Tom didn’t react. In fact, there was not the slightest hint at emotion on his face. The blankness even reached his eyes and that Chakotay found deeply concerning.

“Lieutenant”, he tried again, but Tom remained unmoved.

Sadly, Kovat seemed willing to use any opportunity to quell in his own reputation. With a big ass smile he said, “Don’t worry, Commander. My Thomas hasn’t recovered from the shock yet. He’ll soon tr to kill me, you just have to wait until then. I’m sure as former Maquis you’d find that entertaining.”

Chakotay had his own thoughts of about how he could stop that man from talking, but that wouldn’t help Tom.

It was disconcerting how Kovat never took his eyes from Tom, appraising him like a long lost friend or a pet. There was a longing in his eyes and in his voice that made Chakotay want to vomit. He had a horrible suspicion what could be behind that man’s behavior towards Tom and Chakotay felt the sudden urge kick that bastard in the balls.

Instead he touched Tom’s shoulder gently, “Come on, Tom. I have something to discuss with you.”

The touch at least woke Tom from his trance and he looked confused for a moment, then nodded his consent and whirled around to leave the arrest cell Chakotay closely behind.

Without another word Tom almost marched to his room followed by Chakotay, who watched the pilot with weary concern.

They reached the door to Tom’s quarters together and Tom winked him inside.

The door had barely closed, when Chakotay asked, “Do I have to be concerned that you will try to kill him?”

“I’m not like him. I don’t enjoy hurting or killing people”, Tom said affronted.

“I know.”

But pain brings out the worst in people, Chakotay thought in remorse to his own deeds stemming from loss and pain. He knew all too well, how easy it was to get lost in it and he feared that Tom was on the brink of it.

Trying to catch Tom’s eyes, Chakotay asked the one question that was festering in his mind.

“Why did you never tell me?”

Tom stepped to the window. His whole posture was tense and his voice spoke from barely contained fury. “Why does it matter so much to you? Is torture some weird medal of honor to you? A free of all charges card?”

“No, of course not…”, Chakotay tried to explain, but Tom was outraged and didn’t let him finish. 

“Or is this some disgusting kink for you? A traumatized pet to pity for the noble man, who is strong enough for both of them?! I don’t need pity, Commander.”

“Not pity, Tom. Compassion”, corrected quietly.

“Tom?” he laughed without humor. “Now you’re calling me by my name? I didn’t give you permission to call me by my first name. That is a right for my friends and you made it clear what you think of me.”

“I was wrong. I’m sorry”, Chakotay repeated and couldn’t blame him to hold on to his grudge. Their disagreement was likely easier to bear than the presence of their new prisoner or the fact that people now knew the truth.

As he had half expected Tom turned around in a fury. “Why were you wrong, Commander? Maybe because you misjudged my motifs? You know nothing about me, because you never cared to look. But now? Now you somehow see me differently and care about me. What has changed? I’m still the same person. The pilot you could trust to fly but nothing else. The pretty screw-up you could fuck but never look in the eyes in front of others?! What am I to you?!”

He closed the gap between them starring into his eyes. “What am I to you but a new project to pass the time with?! Well I have news for you, Commander. I am not a project. I’m no one’s amusement… and I’m not broken. So, you don’t need to fix me either.”

“I know that you are not broken”, Chakotay said as calm as he could. “Somehow you survived and kept your humanity. That shows an inherent strength I didn’t thought you had and you’re right. If it weren’t for my prejudices, I would have seen your strength sooner. Either way… I mistreated you and I am sorry.”

Tom’s eyes widened for a second, before he looked away. Sighing Tom went through his hair, “I am due to be in sickbay or the Doc will have my behind.”

“I can…”, Chakotay started but Tom stopped him at once, “No, I will fulfill my duty, Commander. I don’t need to be pampered.”

Chakotay agreed, but decided to keep once again an eye on him. He wouldn’t leave him alone. However, he wouldn’t stalk like before. Chakotay had offered Tom friendship and as it seemed, he would be in dire need of one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Description of torture and psychological abuse as well as suicide.


	3. The Calm before the Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos! :)
> 
> Please head the warning at the end of the chapter, if you are easily triggered.
> 
> Enjoy!

The rest of the day was uneventful in comparison and Chakotay tried to get his head around on the revelations about Tom Paris. He had never even considered the idea that Tom might have real motives to fight in the Maquis. As son of Admiral Paris Chakotay and everyone else had just diminished him as an entitled brat that was now wining about how the world wasn’t fair all while pretending to be a part of a fight in which he had no right to be.

But Tom actually never wined. Oh, he had a neck for inappropriate jokes and seemed to despise the commanding structure. Still, he had always acted as he was told albeit with a sniping remark.

Now Chakotay felt himself lost.

How hadn’t he seen the pain in the man?

Well, truth be told, he had seen it. He had just thought it was out of misplaced self-pity. Four years on board Voyager however had shown him that Tom didn’t tend to lose himself in pity. After learning about his repeated capture and torture by none other than Kovat, Chakotay wondered how Tom wasn’t in fact broken.

A buzz on the door of his quarters woke him from his thoughts and he said, “Come in.”

As the door opened it was Tom of all people to enter his rooms.

“Commander”, Tom said through his teeth. “My apologies for the late intrusion. Normally I would ask Harry or B’Elanna for company, but I can’t. As you had offered your assistance, should I need help, I hoped that I could join you in your quarters for a while.”

“Would you like to talk?”, Chakotay ventured, but Tom declined, “No. I just can’t guaranty that I won’t go to the arrest cell and kill the bastard. That isn’t me and I’d hoped you would assist me in my endeavor.”

“I will”, Chakotay promised at once and sat on the sofa. Tom’s admission didn’t surprise him. Frankly, it wasn’t the first time he had heard such a request. He had played the caretaker for many Maquis, who had lost their way in a fight or who couldn’t bear the interrogation of a captured Cardassian. Coming from Tom though, it was strange. Violence or even murder always seemed foreign to Tom.

Chakotay gestured to the sofa next to him. “Take a seat, if you’d like.”

Tom nodded shortly and pointed to Chakotay’s medicine bundle in front of him. “Did I disturb your meditation?”

He dismissed his concern. “Doesn’t matter. In fact, my animal guide is somewhat unhelpful as of late. She seems to think I’m blind like a fish.”

“It must be nice, though. Having someone to talk to, who you can trust”, Thomas said and sat down.

“It is”, Chakotay agreed. “Would like to try it.”

“No, I’d rather not. Who knows what my animal guide would think of me.”

He honestly seemed disturbed by the thought of being rejected by his animal guide.

“They are there to help us. If my animal guide isn’t talking to me at the moment, that means that I already know the solution to my problem and she wants me to figure it out by myself.”

“Are you following many of your people’s tradition, if I may ask?”

Chakotay was mildly surprised that he would be interested in his conflict with his past. “Yes and no. I only rediscovered some links to my people, most of them since I’m on Voyager.”

Tom understood. “Voyager did seem like a second chance far away from any ties of the past, at least to me. It doesn’t surprise me that you would search for ties to your self before you joined the Maquis.”

“I had lost my way in more ways than one.”

Tom fidgeted with his hands for a while, before he inquired carefully as if he wasn’t sure, whether he could go any further in his questions. “Do you regret your decision?”

“No”, Chakotay said at once. “It was the right thing to do, after my people had been slaughtered by the Cardassian. Someone needed to defend the people, who were still living under their threat.”

“You did what you needed to do”, Tom agreed, but looked even more lost than before.

“It was the hardest and easiest decision I’ve ever had to make”, Chakotay pondered. “But it’s not always so clear cut.”

“No.”

It was clear that something was on Tom’s mind, but strangely enough, Chakotay didn’t believe that it was purely Kovat’s appearance on Voyager. “I’m sure Admiral Farnon only did what he believed was the right thing to do.”

“Admiral Farnon would be an idiot to believe that and he isn’t an idiot!”, Tom exclaimed harshly before instantly calming himself again looking straight ahead instead at Chakotay.

“You know him well?”

Tom shrugged as though he didn’t care about the Admiral. “He is one of my father’s best friends. I knew him since I could walk and watched me grow up. He was even at my trial after I changed my report about the incident. That is more than my father had done.”

“It must feel like a betrayal that he broke his promise to you”

“He came all the way to the Neutral Zone to find me. He wanted me to know that he hadn’t known that I was held prisoner by Kovat and that he would never had left me there.” Tom breathed in and out I an obvious attempt to remain calm. “He said that the ghost had delivered Kovat to Starfleet and vanished again. He vowed that he would never set him free.”

“He is a good man, then.”

“Despite what happened to Charlie…”, Tom started and looked away, fighting to keep his composure. “Admiral Farnen had offered me his help, when he found me, but I couldn’t… I couldn’t accept his help.”

“Charlie?”

“Charlie Bradbury. He was Admiral Farnon’s godchild”, Tom explained in a pained voice. “He was my best friend growing up. We were always together until Caldik Prime.”

“He died in the crash”, Chakotay deduced. He had to rethink his first impression of the Admiral. Although he had acted friendly enough, Chakotay wouldn’t blindly trust a man, who made Kovat a part of a prisoner exchange. This action however showed a level of compassion Chakotay wasn’t sure he had.

Tom’s voice broke as he muttered, “I miss him… I miss them all.”

The open vulnerability of the usually so closed off man hard to bear. Especially as Chakotay couldn’t ease his pain that didn’t solely stem from the loss of friends but the guilt of having caused their deaths. Chakotay couldn’t imagine the hardship of living this with knowledge.

Yet, Chakotay knew one thing for sure. Something that he had to make clear to Tom. “You didn’t deserve to be tortured, Tom. It was an accident. You’re nothing like him.”

He didn’t decline it, but he didn’t agree either. “That man destroyed my life and he is sitting in his cell… smiling at me. Talking to me like I was his…”

“His lover”, Chakotay ended his sentence. There was no real revelation. Chakotay had heard about Kovat’s hobby of using sexual abuse to break his prisoners, often trying to establish some kind of bond to his victim.

His suspicion was sadly affirmed by Tom’s next question. “Are you familiar with dreamfall?”

“Yes.”

He knew about that damn drug. The use of it was forbidden in the Federation, but Cardassians didn’t share this law. Prisoners had hardly any rights in their society and Kovat had free hand in his endeavors as long as he brought results.

The drug was a cruel torture method to say the least. It enhances the sex drive to a point that the victim experiences incredible pain until the urge has been satisfied. The drug numbs your awareness and thought-process. The victim becomes only responsive to the ease of it’s torment. People forgot, who they were and who was granting them their salvation.

And Tom had been…

Spirits…

“I knew… I knew what he was giving me. I knew what would happen and what he would be trying to achieve”, Tom whispered. His eyes starring at his hands.

“I guess… after my… after the Admiral had left me there… He must have thought me easy prey. Someone broken, who would jump into any arms that offered an ease to the pain… who offered love in any shape.”

Chakotay closed his eyes as he understood the full meaning of Tom’s admission. It was hard to keep his composer. After everything that man had put his family through, Tom had to endure something so horrible… something so unthinkable…

The fact that his own father had left him there…

Chakotay felt rage boiling up in his blood. What a boneless narcissist. Letting his son suffer by the hands of his won once torturer to maintain the family name. He had the sudden urge to punch the man until he begs his son for forgiveness.

“Tom”, Chakotay said and waited until he looked at him. “You did not break.”

Tom needed to understand this. He needed to accept that it wasn’t his fault or his punishment, because Chakotay started to believe that no one had ever said that to him. He probably had never talked about his experience and still…

He was not broken and Chakotay admired him for it.

Sighing Tom nodded and looked at him for the first time, “Thank you.”

It was like he met Tom again for the first time and Chakotay was deeply interested in getting to know this man.

“How about some vegetarian bolognese?”, Chakotay asked in light of their spending the evening together.

“That almost sounds like an invitation to diner, Commander”, Tom replied with a small grin.

“Good”, Chakotay smiled hoping Tom didn’t fell pressured. “Would you be interested in keeping me some company for the evening? I don’t feel like going to the mess hall today, but eating alone is a bit sad, don’t you think?”

For a moment Tom looked surprised and uncertain, but in the end he nodded. “Diner it is.”

Diner with Tom even under these circumstances turned out to be easy. They talked about foods they liked, about books, sports mishaps and their time at the Academy. The more time past the more Tom seemed to relax and Chakotay became increasingly interested in someone he had known for years.

Tom wasn’t the shallow mercenary, who was a superficial flirt and a drunk. No, he was sensible as well as smart and dare he say funny. He made him laugh and Chakotay had to realize that once more in his life he hadn’t seen what was right in front of him. Tom was special.

Thus, the question Chakotay found himself asking as they sat on the couch was – was he too late? Had he lost an opportunity to find love with Tom?

He wasn’t in love yet, but Chakotay wasn’t a complete fool. He knew he had a crush and at least in the physical department, he was certain that they matched. It was hard not to grip Tom’s hair and yank him into a kiss. So, he settled to lay his arm over the backrest, Tom resting his head half on his arm.

A comfortable silence spread between them and Chakotay enjoyed their closeness. As the minutes went by, Tom’s voice broke the silence in a whispered tone. “If the liberation of base 341 had been delayed a few weeks, I’m not sure… I’m not sure how much longer I would have been able to endure.”

Chakotay was surprised by the admission, but it gladdened him that Tom trusted him enough to be honest. The pilot sighed and Chakotay stayed quiet, knowing that whatever Tom wanted to say would be easier, when he wasn’t interrupted.

“You want to know, why I never speak of it?” Tom continued in a pained voice that made Chakotay shiver. “Because I’m ashamed how close he’d been to break me.”

“He didn’t break you. That is what you should remember”, Chakotay reminded him and Tom nodded absentmindedly, “I do, most of the time. But now and then I start doubting and then I see his eyes daring me to give in on my own volition… and I’m there again. Helpless. In Pain. Knowing that no one would care… no one would care, if that monster succeeds or not.”

What a bleak realization that must have been, Chakotay thought and regretted his behavior towards Tom even more. Tom had needed him just as he had needed him at the time, but the pilot had not used or mistreated him.

What a damn fool he had been, Chakotay acknowledged as another thought occurred to him. “That is why you needed to see me, to see my eyes.”

“You had a point. Everyone needs someone at some point”, Tom whispered with regret. “I had needed you back then and I saw that you had needed me.”

“It’s still no excuse for how I treated you”, Chakotay grumbled.

He felt Tom chuckle, “No, you were an ass. But I know how straining experiences can change you. I shouldn’t have assumed anything. But I felt betrayed, again. I know that isn’t rational, but it’s the truth.”

Well, Chakotay knew a thing or two about irrational behavior and he couldn’t blame Tom. He was still a mystery, but with every passing minute Chakotay felt more curious to unravel him.

Instead of an answer, Chakotay kissed Tom gently on his head and Tom nestled himself closer.

They didn’t speak again that evening and stayed on that couch until they both fell asleep.

Chakotay’s neck was hurting and slowly he realized that he was laying on the couch right next to Tom, who was moving in his sleep.

“It has to stop. It has to… stop. Stop! Don’t! Stop!”

“Tom”, Chakotay tried to wake him gently, but Tom kept talking and moving in his sleep. So, he shook him more fiercely, “Tom. Tom wake up!”

With a last nervous twitch Tom was awake and thankfully knew immediately where he was.

“I’m sorry, Commander”, he said obviously ashamed. Tom sat up and Chakotay understood his desire to keep one’s distance. He himself didn’t like to show weakness. In the Maquis that could have meant your death and Tom had been in many forms of battles.

It didn’t surprise him in the least that Kovat’s visit had spiked Tom’s memories. Especially, since, as B’Elanna had told him, Tom had a habit of having nightmares. It only pained him that Tom had automatically fallen back on calling him Commander. Chakotay didn’t want the distance to reemerge in their relationship.

“There is nothing to be sorry for, Tom”, Chakotay reassured him and smirked, while he stretched, “I’m just sorry that you had to torture your back on my sofa.”

As he had hoped Tom sprang directly on this way out of the embarrassing situation and laughed, “Well, I at least had a great cushion.”

“Just don’t tell anyone, or people will demand me as cushion in my sessions”, Chakotay grinned massaging his neck.

He was getting too old for sleeping on the couch.

“Here let me”, Tom offered and started massaging Chakotay’s neck with his clever fingers. He had always liked his fingers, Chakotay thought, thinking back on all the times he had been mesmerized how quick and elegant Tom’s hands moved over the controls. Tom made flying look like an art and right now, Chakotay couldn’t hold back a small moan, when Tom loosened the knots in his muscles.

“Spirits, that feels wonderful, Tom. Thank you.”

He could practically hear Tom’s smile from him behind him. “My pleasure, Chakotay. It was my fault, after all that you got stuck in that position… and I still owed you one.”

Chakotay involuntarily licked his lips as he remembered how the last massage ended and Tom purred almost huskily, “Your hands were quite the blessing that night.”

He felt how Tom’s hands went further down his back, while Tom was whispering in his ear. “I remember how your fingers moved slowly down my back… further and further down.”

“Tom”, murmured in warning.

“Do you want to deny again that you want me?” It was said as joke, but Chakotay could hear the tension in Tom’s voice.

It was a test and Chakotay had no intention of failing him once more.

Taking Tom’s right hand, Chakotay kissed the back of his hand and his fingers. A smile spread on his face, when he felt Tom’s tension slip away. Turning fully around Chakotay caressed Tom’s face, before kissing him ever so softly on the mouth.

Just as Tom took hold of Chakotay’s hands holding his face to deepen the kiss, Chakotay backed slightly away. “I won’t deny it. But we are due to our shifts and we just got passed our differences… or at least I hope we did.”

His question was met with one of the most honest smiles he had ever seen on Tom. “Yes”, he whispered. “Yes, we did get past them, didn’t we?”

“Yes”, Chakotay promised and was astonished how much younger Tom looked in this moment. So much more open and vital as if someone had just lifted a burden from his shoulders. There was still something in those blue eyes that hold back, but this was still new to them – whatever this actually meant, he didn’t know yet.

“We really should get going”, Tom said and Chakotay felt his heart jump, when he heard the regret in Tom’s voice.

Oh, spirits. He was close to fall for him and weirdly enough, Chakotay was completely unfazed by this realization.

“You’re right”, he replied and stood up still grinning.

They quickly corrected their uniforms and hairs, going to the door, as they had no time left for breakfast.

Tom turned around once more giving him a small smile, “Thank you.”

As he was leaving Chakotay saw someone else standing around the corner. B’Elanna had apparently been watching the scene and Chakotay feared the worst.

He couldn’t get a word out before B’Elanna stormed to face him, demanding answers. Just not the question he had anticipated.

“How is he?”

Spirits, calm down, he reassured himself. She doesn’t know about their affair in the Maquis or his attraction to her ex-boyfriend. She merely assumed that he helped Tom in his position as counselor.

“B’Elanna, you know that I can’t…”, he began, but she cut him off. “Cut the crap, Chakotay. Last I checked, you two were not friends. So, if he actually resorts to sort out help from you, it must be dire.”

No question there. He needn’t mention the part where they had slept in each other’s arms on the sofa or how he had enjoyed kissing Tom. As to her wanting to know specifics, he fell back on his duty to treat personal information private and so he just gave her reproachful look.

Growling she paced the room until she calmed down. He knew her well enough that her mood swings were sudden and soon she stood before him with pleading eyes. “Just promise me, you’ll help him.”

Thinking about how good Tom had felt in his arms as well as Tom’s fear and shame, when he was caught having a nightmare, he had no problem with her request. “I promise.”

Her eyes were full of regret. “I messed up”

“You did”, he said simply and she understood.

It was not for him to grant her absolution. She would at some point have to work it out with Tom by herself. Accepting this she left him.

Chuckling about the turn of recent events he went to the turbolift, when Dalby of all people greeted him. Joining him in the lift Dalby came right to the point, “There are rumors of a Cardassian that is now in the arrest cell. You would not care to tell me who that person is.”

Sighing inwardly, Chakotay tried his best to sound as normal as possible. “Admiral Farnon had a prisoner onboard and he is now in our custody.”

“And only Starfleet personal is allowed to guard that prisoner and no one wants to tell us, who that person is. So, I think that he must be someone important for the Admiral to keep the former Maquis away from him.” Dalby was obviously unsettled about the situation.

He knew that they couldn’t keep Kovat a secret forever, yet he had hoped for a couple of days to get himself acquainted to the idea of having the butcher of purgatory on the ship. Dalby sadly, was never one to make his life easy, neither on Voyager nor in the Maquis. “Dalby, I’m not at liberty to discuss this with you.”

“Oh, not at liberty, Chief?”, he taunted and Chakotay whished himself back on the Liberty for a second. Some things were indeed easier handled in the Maquis.

Facing his former comrade in arms Chakotay hissed, “The crew will learn about our prisoner, if the time is right and not sooner. You will abstain from investigating this any further, did I make myself clear?”

“Crystal, Commander”, Dalby saluted him mockingly and left the lift.

That wasn’t the last of him, Chakotay knew and cursed Kovat to every form of hell he knew.

Stepping on to the bridge he noticed how Tom and the Captain were just leaving her office and Chakotay sat down on his chair. Once the Captain was seated herself, he leaned closer, “Dalby just tried to coax information out of me concerning our esteemed prisoner.”

Janeway cursed under her breath, “I feared that it wouldn’t take long for rumors to go around.”

“You can’t blame them. This sudden differentiation of the crew is prone to raise suspicion.”

“I’ll have to talk with Admiral Farnon about it. Maybe it would be best, if we told the truth.”

“I agree, although I would double the guards. Kovat is well known among the Maquis.”

“I can imagine it. It almost pains me to know that someone like that is on my ship.” Her voice got lower and she leaned even closer. “I had a little talk with Tom just now and he assured me that you were already acting in your position as counselor should he feel the need to talk.”

Chakotay appreciated Tom’s trust as well as his discretion and a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “I’d like to think more in the role of a friend, but officially, yes. I’d say I’ll act as a counselor.”

That piqued her interest, “Don’t tell me you two have finally come to reason and buried the hatchet.”

He shrugged not wanting to go into details on the bridge. “It’s still new, but, yes. I’d say so.”

“That sound ominous. Is there something more you’d like to tell me?”, she tried in vain to probe him into giving more away.

Her obvious curiosity made him chuckle, “Not at the moment. I’m sorry, Kathryn. I’m sworn to secrecy.”

The Captain nodded rolling her eyes in acceptance. He knew that she would keep guessing about the sudden change of their relationship until he tells her. But at the moment he simply didn’t know what to tell her anyway.

Yes, they settled their differences. Chakotay felt certain about that and it was apparent that they were both attracted to each other. The question was, could there be more and how soon should he act on it considering the current circumstances.

After his shift on the bridge ended Tom accompanied him to the mess hall, but when they would usually part ways once they had their food, they sat together raising eyebrows all around them. It was both amusing and exhilarating. Tom and he did nothing but talk about their work, which led to whispers all wondering, when they became friendly.

Tom winced slightly, when B’Elanna and Harry entered the mess hall, but recovered quickly and focused on Chakotay’s words instead. Chakotay could see their surprised glances and was glad that they didn’t decide to approach Tom right now. Tom had most definitely enough to deal with at the moment.

Once they finished their meals, they left the mess hall together and Chakotay dared to ask

“How would you like another diner?”

“I’d like that”, Tom answered at once and leaned closer although no one was in the hall. “Would you hold me afterwards?”

A broad smile appeared on Chakotay’s face. “I hoped you would ask that.”

Chakotay felt great and he found himself more emphatic to the pleas of every crew member that came to him with his issues. It was like he had finally found his inner center again and he could hear his animal guide laughing in the back of his head.

Even Admiral Farnon’s call didn’t disturb him. He was just glad that he would still have time to prepare diner for Tom.

“Ah, Commander”, the Admiral exclaimed excited and gestured to the chair next to him. “Please make yourself comfortable.”

Taking him by his word Chakotay settled on the chair, looking at the staples of reports on the desk. “You were busy as it seems, Admiral.”

Admiral Farnon chuckled, “Well, I have some years to catch up on or I wouldn’t be able to make myself useful to the crew. That is part of the reason I asked to you visit me. I intend to familiarize myself with the leading officers to ensure a good collaboration in the future.”

“I’ll help in any way I can.” So far, the Admiral seemed reasonable enough and it wouldn’t do him any good to start on the wrong foot with his new superior.

“I expected nothing less from you. Captain Janeway praises you to the skies”, the Admiral replied nodding towards the reports.

“I’m glad that the Captain thinks highly of my performance as Commander.”

“Don’t hide your light under the bushel. You were a Starfleet officer before you joined the Maquis. No, your performance as officer was never in question”, the Admiral countered and Chakotay had wondered, when his former status as Maquis would come on the table.

“If I may erase your concerns, Admiral. This crew knew from the beginning that we could only survive, if we work together. Although some mishaps occurred, the crew adapted to the new circumstance and we are in fact one crew.”

The Admiral raised his hands to reassure him. “I don’t question it, Commander. Not after reading the reports. I have to admit that I’m impressed. I wouldn’t have thought it possible, but Captain Janeway and you did a marvelous job and I want to ensure you that I intend to follow your example.”

He leaned back and gave Chakotay a warm smile.

“So, relax, Commander. I’m not the big bad wolf that wants to incarcerate the former Maquis crew.”

“Reassuring, Sir.” Chakotay just hoped that he meant it.

“May I ask a question, Sir?”

“By all means.”

“Do you honestly think that we can bargain with Kovat’s life, when the Cardassian find us?”

It seemed so unlikely, but Chakotay wanted to get a better grasp on who this man was.

“I hope so, but I doubt it. Nevertheless, Kovat is my responsibility”, the Admiral shrugged and Chakotay ventured even a step further, “That can’t be easy, as you are so familiar with the Paris family.”

Something hard sneaked into his features. “No, I would rather dance polka on his damn rips, but that leads me to my second motivation in inviting you here.”

Now what?

“You visited Tom after he was in the arrest cell”, he asked and as Chakotay nodded went on in a much gentler tone, “In your capacity as counselor do you believe Tom to be fit for duty?”

“He wouldn’t be on duty, if that were the case, Sir.”

“True enough”, the Admiral agreed. “I guess I’m just worried about him.”

“Understandable.”

Admiral Farnon appraised him and gestured to the reports. “As I understand you two had some difficulties.”

“All in the past, Admiral”, he assured him and the Admiral grinned ruefully, “Not many are wise enough to let sleeping dogs rest and even less are capable of forgiveness.”

“We came to the agreement that we both did things we regret and that we would be better of concentrating on the present.” He saw no reason to give him any personal information. After all, he hadn’t earned Chakotay’s trust yet.

“I’m glad.” The Admiral looked saddened. “It doesn’t seem like he has many friends onboard.”

“You already heard from his estrangement to Kim and Torres”, he replied unsurprised.

“Gossip travels faster than any ship could”, the Admiral sighed. “I hoped that he was able to start anew here.”

Chakotay was somehow irked by the Admiral even though he couldn’t quite say why. His concern for Tom however he could understand. “You still have a soft spot for him.”

Admiral Farnon nodded seeming in thought. “My wife died in the war with Cardassia. She was from an old Starfleet family just as I and Owen were. I never remarried and I’ve got no children of my own. Owen would bring Tom to Starfleet headquarters to let him fly the simulators. The boy was bright and had a natural instinct for flying. When Tom was done with the simulation, I assisted with his further training by the request of his father. Only later I recognized Owen’s decision to involve me in Tom’s education as his attempt to console me in my grief.”

“I beg your pardon, Sir, but Admiral Paris doesn’t seem…”, Chakotay was searching for the right words, when Admiral Farnon huffed amused, “Compassionate? Or just agreeable? Yes, Owen was always rather strict and could seem cold to strangers. I’m afraid that Tom would find even harsher attributes and he wouldn’t exaggerate. Kovat nearly destroyed Owen. His daughters were thankfully old enough to have their own lives, but Tom… he had to endure Owen’s frustration and obsession with the safety of the Federation. He pushed Tom to his limits and I had to restrain him from going further more often than I like to admit. Owen accepted nothing less than perfection and Tom excelled in almost anything, but Tom only ever acted on a sense of duty never from the heart. There was never a question that Tom would join Starfleet or that he would became a captain and even an admiral one day. No one doubted that and no one ever asked him what he wanted to do.”

“Except you, I suppose”, Chakotay.

It was a dark picture the Admiral was painting, but he had already suspected as much.

“It was a couple of days before Caldik Prime that I asked him again, whether he wanted to follow the path that his father had lain out for him. Tom had an argument with his father, who had changed his appointment to join the Enterprise after his graduation. Owen believed that it would look suspicious, if Tom would directly serve on the Enterprise. Tom was furious and for the first time considered to leave Starfleet.”

That were news to Chakotay. It was impressive to say the least. He understood how frustrated Tom must have felt. To work for recognition your entire life just to be stripped and to be handled like a puppet by your own father must have hurt him.

Chakotay had fought his own father for far less.

“That was two hours before he boarded the shuttle to Caldik Prime.”

Chakotay starred at the Admiral, who nodded full of regret. “I often wonder, how things would have played out, if I had cancelled his flight.”

He felt guilty, Chakotay realized and his curiosity about Tom made more and more sense. He blamed himself for not preventing an emotional unstable young man to fly a ship. A decision that had cost three people their lives and destroyed the life of the survivor.

“I will keep an eye on him, Admiral”, Chakotay promised and Admiral Farnon smiled ruefully, Thank you, Commander.”

Never would he have imagined to make Tom diner nor that he would be a little nervous about it.

It was still so new and many things were still unclear in their new friendship. For instance whether Tom truly wanted more than friendship. He knew that Tom wasn’t against casual sex, but Chakotay had no desire in simply sex anymore. If he would invest into a true relationship with Tom, he had to be sure they were on the same page.

Luckily for him, Tom seemed just as nervous as him, when he finally entered his quarters. They were both in civil cloths and Chakotay appreciated Tom’s lose shirt and his skinny trousers very much.

At the very least, Tom hoped for something more than diner and if Chakotay was lucky, Tom would be open for more than just some physical release after some truly stressing days.

Soon enough they loosened up during the diner and found themselves laughing on the sofa about one of Dalby’s mishaps.

It was so easy to forget what they both had been through in life as Tom nestled his head on Chakotay’s shoulder again. Dreamingly Tom played with the knot of Chakotay’s shirt.

“This was exactly what I needed, Chakotay.”

“This”, Chakotay started but hesitated. Uncertain whether he was pushing for too much too soon. “I don’t want this to be a flirt or a one night stand. I want to finally get to know you, if you’re interested.”

“Yes, Chakotay. I would like that very much”, Tom said smiling from ear to ear.

His heart jumped, but there was one more thing he wanted to discuss before they went any further. “Good, but let us see who we are to each other, before giving the rest of the crew a new topic of gossip.”

Considering his request for a moment Tom agreed, “I won’t be your secret. Not for long, at least. But some time just for us, that would be great.”

“Deal”, said Chakotay relieved and excited at the same time. “That leaves only one question.”

“Ask away”, Tom chuckled and sat up to look Chakotay directly into his eyes.

“May I kiss you?”

Tom’s mouth turned to a small grin. “Yes”

It was different to their former kisses, which had always been driven by desire. This kiss however was slow and full of longing. A gentle touch of lips, a caress of delicate fingers. Their bodies aligning smoothly like pieces of a puzzle.

Slowly they removed layer after layer. None of them was shy in any regard, but it almost seemed like both of them wanted to prolong the foreplay.

Finally, they took their time in exploring each other’s bodies. Eliciting small exhales and moans. An enticing song that played out like an introduction and Chakotay loved it. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been this aroused.

Tom was marvelous.

His firm elegant body moving into every touch, his pupils blown wide while making the loveliest sounds. Spirits, he could get addicted to this and Chakotay wouldn’t have the strength to abstain.

Not when Tom moaned loudly and deep as Chakotay sat on the bed nipping on Tom’s nipples while Tom was sitting on his thighs leaning back revealing his beautiful long neck.

Yet, Chakotay needed to be sure. In between kisses he said, “If you want to… take your time…”

It took all his composure and concentration to remember the circumstances that had brought them here and he had to make sure that Tom was really okay with this accelerated change in their relationship.

Tom however didn’t show any doubts and lifted Chakotay’s chin up in order to see I his eyes.

“I think we already took too much time.”

Spirits, yes!

Chakotay kissed him mouth, then his neck, nipping and licking, while he could feel Tom’s arousal swell like his own. The last doubt leaving Chakotay as Tom stilled him and widened his legs some more.

Chakotay waited for Tom to open himself up, but instead Tom licked Chakotay’s fingers and guided them to his entrance. Needing no more encouragement Chakotay scissored him until he was lose and groaning whenever Chakotay hit that spot with his fingers. Tom throwing back his head, riding his fingers was a sight to behold. His abdominal muscles stretching in an obscene way that made Chakotay leak with precum.

Tom draw him up and kissed him. Chakotay kept opening him up with one hand and kneaded Tom’s butt with the other. His smell engulfed Chakotay and he breathed in deeply.

The thought that they could have had this a long time ago, if he hadn’t been so stubborn made him groan in frustration.

Smoothly Tom guided him down to lay on the bed, but instead of riding him, Tom laid down next to him. Facing away from him, Tom took Chakotay’s right arm and entwined their finger on his chest.

Turning his head slightly around, Tom kissed him once more and pressed his back closer to Chakotay, who was astonished. Never had Tom allowed any position, in which he couldn’t see his face. Knowing why, Chakotay reveled in the trust Tom was showing him now and kissed back with fervor.

Soon Chakotay was thrusting gently into Tom, who pressed himself closer and closer to Chakotay. Every thrust was met with an echoing moan. Both of them losing themselves in pleasure.

This was so intimate and Chakotay was almost sad, when he came, Tom following him over the edge.

Laying in each other’s arms Tom smiled tiredly. “You promised to hold me tonight.”

“And I will”, Chakotay vowed kissing him once more, before they settled in a comfortable position, Chakotay almost spooning his new found lover. He wouldn’t let go of him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sexual abuse and drug use is described in this chapter.


End file.
